Seriously-- I'm KiddingBook - 2011
From the critics
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I don’t know why we ever need to look into those (magnifying mirrors). They’re not accurate. They point out every single one of our flaws. We don’t need that. That’s why we have mothers.
(On mammograms) If a man had to put his special parts inside a clamp to test him for anything, I think they would come up with a new plan before the doctor finished saying, "Put that thing there so I can crush it.
Do you live each day as if it's your first or your last? Either way you should probably have a diaper on.
...around forty, when you’re “over the hill. I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future.
Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:
...One time in high school.
Three times in my twenties.
Rocks no salt.
Never. And how dare you!
I will take no further questions.
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